"Why do we exhaust ourselves while trying to help others?"
Helping people…Supporting them…Witnessing their healing…This desire is strongly present in many of us. We yearn to share our knowledge with others, to make them feel better. We participate in more training, we read more books.. Çünkü derinlerde bir yerlerde şu inanç vardır:
"The more I know, the more I can help."
But does that really happen?
Are we able to approach everyone with compassion?
The answer to this question is "Sometimes." There can be many reasons for this. Many of us don't realize that we haven't worked enough on our own inner world before helping others. We have two types of mental states: the first are neurotic states that cause us suffering; these include anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, depression, the need for approval, and the fear of failure. The other are virtuous states of mind that liberate us. These include love, compassion, courage, perseverance, openness, and mercy. We know the difference between these two groups very well in theory. But when it comes to practice… our inner reality is often not at all like it is in theory.
For example, if we have the misconception that "compassion causes pain," our hearts ache when we see someone suffering. We feel pain. Then we think:
"I suffer because I am so compassionate..."
No. In fact, that's not why we suffer. Compassion doesn't hurt. Compassion isn't harsh. Compassion isn't hurtful.
It's not compassion that hurts; it's attachment, dependence, the desire for control, and fragile expectations.
Compassion is vast…Commitment is delicate, fragile, and unable to cope with the world.
Therefore, when pain, chaos, disappointment, loss, and anger arise:
- not compassion
- Commitment causes panic.
A mind that cannot manage or cope with a situation, that only wants good things to happen, cannot bear pain. Because the moment we look at pain, our own inner pain is also stirred. And we often don't realize it.
When we see pain:
- our own wounds
- our own traumas
- our own sense of inadequacy
- our own fears
It is also triggered.
We tend to think: "I suffer because I see the suffering of others."
But no.
What makes suffering unbearable for us is: clinging, fear, anger, despair, the desire for control. Not compassion. Compassion doesn't amplify suffering. Compassion softens suffering.
So what can we do?
True compassion is not a fragile romantic emotion.
True compassion…requires courage, the ability to look at the world with naked eyes, and the acceptance of the existence of suffering.
Courage is being able to look pain in the eye and say:
💬 “Seni görüyorum. Ben buradayım. Yapabileceğim bir şey varsa yaparım, yoksa yine de dururum.” Eğer yapacak bir şey yoksa bile, “yapamamak” bizi eksiltmez.
Because the essence of compassion eylem değil, niyettir.
Final word: The reason we suffer is not compassion… The reason we suffer is attachment, expectation, fear, anger, panic, the desire for control, the wish that “everything just has to be alright.”
But compassion is never the cause of suffering. Compassion is the light that opens the way through suffering.
Today you can ask yourself this question: “Am I truly approaching this with compassion, or with clinging?”
The answer to this question opens the door to both healing and the capacity to help.
With Love and Peace
Sibel Kavunoğlu
